Sunday, July 17, 2011

There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don't want to know, but have to learn. And people we can't live without but have to let go.

Happy 6 month birthday little man!

First I want to apologize for not writing sooner. I started this blog to tell Dougie’s incredible story and after he passed away I guess you could say I lost my inspiration to write. But not only that, this entire blog has been written with a positive attitude. Even when things were looking really bad I kept positive, I think mostly for my own sanity and in a way I thought my positive energy would rub off on our son. If I felt scared he would feel scared so instead I kept a smile on my face and I hope he felt that. And because of my ‘keep positive’ attitude I have been adamant about writing. I find myself not being so positive anymore, and didn’t want that to ruin this blog. But I am here to write about Doug’s journey and ours as well. It wouldn’t be fare to other mothers in my situation who may come across this story to not know the truth. So I am writing now to let you all know how things have been since Dougie’s passing.

I am not going to lie, it sucks. It sucks but we’re getting through it. It seems as though everyone has moved on with their lives; as they should. But Brad and I are stuck in this sort of limbo, where the good days are OK... and the bad day’s well... let’s just say they are really bad. When we first got Dougie’s diagnosis and heard 50/50 chance of survival all I kept thinking was I cannot survive if my baby doesn’t survive, automatically my mind went to that negative place and then quickly snapped myself out of it because “something like that could NEVER happen to me”. Well something like that has happened to me, and yet here I am. To be honest some day’s I don’t get out of bed, I just try to sleep until that day is over. Other day’s I don’t want to talk to or see anyone I prefer to be by myself and alone with my scattered thoughts while I sit in what would have been his nursery. And there are those few days I wake up in a good mood, and actually accomplish things. It is just so hard to live in a world where Douglas Brookins Collins isn’t.

Each milestone that would be, is gut wrenching. I imagine what he would be doing today on his 6 month birthday maybe we would have taken him to the park or the beach. I think about what I would have dressed him in on the 4th of July, or how he would be dressed on Halloween (we had decided on superman while he was in the hospital). I wonder how he would like splashing in the pool at his grandparents, and I think about all the things we are missing out on as a family. Every night I say to him “Today would have been great, if you were here”.

I do have some good news to share with you... Douglas is going to be a big angel brother! Brad and I are expecting. I think I was afraid when we found out, that people may judge us getting pregnant so soon after losing our first son. But for those few weeks we had our little man I got a glimpse of motherhood, and I believe I was made for this. So I wait for the day our new baby will grace us, and it feels great to have something to look forward to again. This pregnancy has been quite a bit different than before. I am very cautious, and refuse to get ahead of myself this time. We of all people know, life is not guaranteed. So I am holding my breath until I have baby in my arms and at our home.

Since Douglas has passed, several more babies have been diagnosed and lost their fight with CDH and we are no closer to finding the cause. If you have a facebook account I ask that you please vote EVERY day for our cherubs it takes only 30 seconds and will make a change if we win. Please share Dougies story in any way you can, and spread awareness the more people that know about CDH the closer we will get to finding the cause and maybe one day be able to prevent it.

God bless our little man,